The Loss of our first child, an open story of miscarriage
Image via: Pinterest
Hi friends, it has been awhile. You might be thinking you have a child who is
almost two and I think you are expecting again…even though I haven’t updated this
blog very well. Sean and I lost our
first child through miscarriage in the spring of 2014. Since then we have had a son, named Sawyer in
August 2015 and our expecting again in September 2017. To be an encouragement, it can and hopefully,
will get better for you.
Thank you for
journeying with me through this (reading that is) and for your patience and
non-judgment. I want to give a shout out
to all the BOLD, women who shared their hearts, dreams, lives and for being
real about losing a child. If it weren’t
for them, I would not be writing or having the encouragement to get through
this. At the bottom of this post, I have
links to other blogs from women who encouraged me through this journey of
losing our child. It was hard and to be
honest, I didn’t want to talk with people about it at all. I only wanted to hear or read about others
and how they coped or got through it.
Here I go, deep breath.
Where to begin. Well, I guess at
the beginning. It was around Easter 2014
and Sean and I were at Long Beach, WA with family celebrating what Jesus did on
the cross for us and being joyful. I
won’t get into details about how long, but Sean and I have wanted a baby for
awhile and had been trying. I laugh
because I would tell a select few that we didn’t know what we were really
doing, then say, well of course we knew what we were doing meaning (having sex
lol) but the exact science of getting pregnant was way too complicated for me
so we were just trying the regular way, if that is a thing. No extra calculations, thermometers, ovulation
kits, they were all too crazy for me at that point. Anyway, back on track, I was supposed to get
my period and was a few days late. I did
not want to get my hopes up so we didn’t tell anyone and I didn’t tell Sean
until the way home from the beach. I was
almost out of tampons and didn’t want to buy more if we didn’t need them but
didn’t want to jinx it either (like that is a real thing). Anyway, we decided to wait until that
following Monday morning to take a pee pregnancy test (dollar store brand)
because somehow your pee is better tested in the morning. Sure enough I did it twice and it
worked. I even went to the store bought
a more expensive one ($5.00 one) and did it again that afternoon. We decided to wait to tell anyone until I did
the test again on Friday morning.
We were officially pregnant and so excited. I could not believe I was pregnant after
seeing some friends go through this happy time in their lives and see the
wonderful children they had. I wanted to
feel that joy. Now, was my time, our
time. We prayed, thanked God and of
course I made a secret Babies board on Pinterest, which was the most logical
thing to do next right? I had made a
secret Baby Announcement board a few months back and had all kinds of fun ways
to announce a pregnancy when the time was right. It mostly included baby toms and dogs. Of course we were going to use Rudy in the
announcement. A couple months back, I
decided not to go into that board for a while as it was not good for my heart
to dream and be sad about not being pregnant (this was before we found out we
were pregnant in April). Now, I could
finally show Sean and get more excited.
I told my best friend and she was even more excited than I
was. We told our life group (Bible
Study) at church. I was just shocked, it was all happening and we were so
happy. We even had a clever way of sharing
the news to my parents. I was cautious
of who to share it with, as you typically should wait three months or 10-12
weeks. It was finally okay to look
through the tiny baby clothes at Target as it was really happening! Mother’s Day was really fun too as not many
people knew but I could secretly share in the joy of being a mother on this
special day. Sean bought me flowers, my
favorite chocolate and a card signed by him and Rudy. I mean I am still Rudy’s mom. Sean and my family were so sweet on Mother’s
Day, we even shared with my grandma, who was hilarious. We got a cute video of her telling her entire
church, and shhh Grandma it is too soon to tell people and her saying to her
friends, “Oh, I will call you later and tell you everything.” Oh Grandma.
Thankfully, she is not on Facebook.
We told Sean’s sister, mom, grandma, aunt and dad on Mother’s Day. Then later that week, I told a couple close
high school friends. It was fun hearing
the joy in their reactions.
I had my 8-week ultrasound on a Monday, the first one and
was a little hesitant until I could hear the heartbeat. Call me negative, but my mom had two miscarriages
before my sister and I were born, Sean’s mom had one and my only sister had
two. So I was prepared just in
case. We could not hear a heartbeat, but
the ultrasound tech said it was too early.
We had the picture printed and I even framed it at home. I was so excited. PS. the 8 week ultrasound sucks because they
have to go in vaginally, so up your vagina.
Anything that is not supposed to go up there is not fun. SUPER AWKWARD. Or was it just me. Sean was with me so that definitely made it
better.
Then, the next three days were terrible. Sean had to work evenings and had to train and
meet with the night crew so instead of getting up and going to work at 4 am
(that was his other choice for the next couple days) he decided to stay late
and I agreed. But terrible timing that
was. Tuesday, my doctor personally
called me (the day after the 8 ½ week ultrasound) and left a message for me to
call her right back. She never does
that. I called her and she asked how the
ultrasound appointment went. Second
warning sign, first was her actually calling me. I was thinking, ‘what is wrong with my
baby’. I told her no, and asked
why. She said that the ultrasound showed
the baby only being six and a half weeks and not eight and a half and that
there could be two reasons why: 1) they were wrong in their calculations and
that can be normal and it is only six and a half weeks or 2) the baby stopped
growing at six and a half weeks and to be prepared for that. She said it was too early to get another
ultrasound to check (thank God as I didn’t want to have that robot machine up
my vagina again so soon, it had only been a day.
I am not being insensitive to the reality that this sucked
and I was crying. I am trying to find the
humor in the little things. This is the
way I am getting through this. I lost a baby, a child, and I have gone through
grief. I wished I could be sad longer,
but this was how I was dealing with this.
So the alternative to see how pregnant I was and if I was six
and a half weeks was to get my blood taken at the hospital. I called Sean crying and he said he wanted to
come home and go with me. I told him no,
that it was only a blood draw and that he should stay at work. Also, if he took time off, he has very little
time and his sick and vacation are the same and I didn’t want him to lose this
time if it could be used for something better.
Also, he was saving his time for when we had the baby. Sigh.
So I pulled myself together and drove to get my blood tested. I felt terrible as I was getting it drawn
because the lady was so nice and I didn’t want to talk. She probably thought I was rude, but I was
going to cry at any minute and decided not to talk. Afterward, I left so fast and put my
sunglasses on inside the building so no one could see me cry. I drove home and that was that.
I use an online medical chart that my doctor can email me or
send me a message when she gets my results.
I told her I would prefer that than talking on the phone and it was way
faster. She emailed me that evening at
11:00 pm and said the levels were normal for six and a half weeks and that was
good. I was happy, but tried not to get
my hopes up. The next blood draw (2 days
later) was the most important because my pregnancy hormone levels should double
that is what they were testing in the first place. So I waited two days. I tried to keep myself busy with work,
friends, family, Sean and Rudy. Then I
went in on Thursday. I did the blood test
and was better. I pulled myself together
and wasn’t crying. Not many people knew
about the situation and if they did they were so positive and praying it was
awesome. I did the blood, but when I
checked in at the hospital they had no record from the doctor requesting my
blood to be tested and could not send it to my doctor and had to wait until
morning to fax them to get approval.
Thankfully, a veteran blood taker (no idea what their title
or job is called) said, “Let’s take her blood and send it with approval the
next day.” I was so thankful for her
because if I had to go home I would have flipped. I went in and had a different lady take my
blood. I didn’t talk much but was better
than the last time. I went home and
waited. This part sucked because this
was the Thursday before Memorial Day weekend and my doctor had taken
vacation. I had to call the Doctor’s
Office and they had to notify the on call doctor to send a request to get the
blood. Then nothing on Friday or
Saturday. I was a nervous wreck and at
the same time trying to give my baby over to God knowing He had a perfect plan
for our family and trusted in that.
I called again Saturday morning and then afternoon to see
what the levels were. The doctor called
me back. The pregnancy hormone levels on
Tuesday were 91,000 and the levels on Thursday were 83,000 so they went
down. Once I heard the numbers from the doctor’s
voice, I knew it. It sank in; my baby
isn’t doing well and is probably dead. I
have no baby now.
All kinds of thoughts were going in my head, baby was going to be due around Christmas, I was going to get fat, a good, cute fat where people want to touch you. Baby was going to get showered with Christmas gifts. I was going to be a mom, something I wanted for a while now. But all that was crushed. I pulled it together to listen more and the doctor was preparing me for a miscarriage. I remember him, a guy doctor saying, “its like your period, but a little worse, so not so bad.” And I told him, “Not so bad, you have never had one of my periods.” He was sensitive but trying to help. He asked if I would rather get my blood taken again today or wait until Monday. I told him, I would rather wait until Monday to really make sure and he said that was a good idea.
All kinds of thoughts were going in my head, baby was going to be due around Christmas, I was going to get fat, a good, cute fat where people want to touch you. Baby was going to get showered with Christmas gifts. I was going to be a mom, something I wanted for a while now. But all that was crushed. I pulled it together to listen more and the doctor was preparing me for a miscarriage. I remember him, a guy doctor saying, “its like your period, but a little worse, so not so bad.” And I told him, “Not so bad, you have never had one of my periods.” He was sensitive but trying to help. He asked if I would rather get my blood taken again today or wait until Monday. I told him, I would rather wait until Monday to really make sure and he said that was a good idea.
Sean was out of town at this point for a bachelor party for
a guy in our church getting married. He
left on Friday, and I heard the news of the levels going down on Saturday. I didn’t want to call him and I didn’t want
to lie to him either. It was so
hard. Instead of balling, the reality
just set in and I actually tried to find joy.
To praise God even when life sucks.
I was pregnant and now the possibly of having a child was slipping
away. I wasn’t mad at God, I never
was. The best medicine for me at this
point was to be with Rudy. That
afternoon I was watching five amazing kids from church that are full of
laughter and that was the best medicine for me.
I didn’t want to be around family or friends and kids just make
everything better. I just hung with them
and played games all afternoon. But once
their mom came back, a great friend, I just had to tell her and I cried. This was the only time I cried hard and she
listened, locked her kiddos out of her room (thinking back, it was really cute
how they wanted in) and consulted me, gave me hope, and prayed for Sean and
I. It was really sweet and exactly what
I needed at that very moment.
Oh, ya, I forgot to tell you that Sean called on my way over
to watching those kids. I tried to have
hope, but not lead him on and told him the doctor called and the levels went
down but we do not know for sure until Monday (in my heart I already
knew). He took it really hard and
thankfully, there were a couple great guys that prayed and were there for him
during that weekend. He didn’t have a
ride home and I told him to stay there (he could have easily borrowed a car) and that
being with some Godly men supporting him and having his mind off of it for a
little while would be good to be away.
Plus, I deal with grief really weird and just wanted to be alone with
Rudy. And boy, did Rudy help. He cuddled with me, followed me
everywhere. Even when I showered, he
laid by the mat and waited for me. He
might have fallen asleep there but it was what I needed. It was like Rudy knew. He was extra aware of me and did everything
in the way I needed. Pugs are just the
best.
Sean came home on Monday and we went in for the final blood
draw. I got the results back the next
day (Tuesday) and the levels had actually gone up. So they were 91,000 a week ago, 83,000 that
Thursday, and now 88,000. What the
heck?! The doctor said not to get my
hopes up as this was not normal and doesn’t happen very often. It was rare.
In my head, I was like not normal, perfect. This would happen to me. I prepared for the miscarriage and asked what
would naturally happen as the doctor said that usually this isn’t good for a
baby’s health for the levels to do this.
That something must be wrong.
Something is wrong with my baby.
My personal doctor was coming back on Wednesday and I would follow up
with her. She called me that day and
asked how I was doing and was very sympathetic.
She is awesome. We talked about the
most likely scenario of a miscarriage and I was already thinking that.
It wasn’t that I didn’t have hope or faith as I do. I prayed a lot for this baby and for God to
perform a miracle to save my baby. But I
had to prepare for the worst so emotionally I didn’t get worse. Maybe that is selfish, but that is how I dealt
with it. The doctor said for me to
schedule another ultrasound and to see if anything had changed (meaning if the
baby had gotten smaller). So I went to
my ultrasound and told Sean not to come.
I didn’t need him to be there to experience the sight of seeing our baby
grow smaller. I also didn’t want him to
take any time off of work. I went in and
had to do it vaginally again. The tech
couldn’t legally tell me anything, even though I told her about our situation
and that I needed to know and couldn’t wait to see if my baby was okay or was
worse. Once she took all the pictures
that moms and dads get excited about at their second visit, I could go. There was no printing of the picture of my
baby this time.
My online doctor chart was updated and I saw that the baby
was smaller and that it was no longer going to grow. I had lost my baby. We waited a week to see what would
happen. Then my doctor called and said I
should see a specialist to talk more about what to do with a miscarriage. She said that I should do one final blood
draw before scheduling the visit and I agreed.
This gave me closure and didn’t feel like I was aborting my child if
there was something there. I went in for
my final blood draw and walked out. The
doctor said that indeed I was going to miscarry. Then I called and scheduled an appointment
with a specialist to discuss my options in getting rid of my baby. This sucked.
My appointment went pretty fast. The doctor was male and super sweet. He asked me all kinds of questions based on
the answers of my questionnaire I filled out when I checked in for my appointment. I even laughed, when he said, “So you don’t
drink or smoke…Can I ask you something?”
I said, “Sure…” He said, “Are you
LDS (Church of Latter Day Saints). I
said, “Mormon?” he said, “Yes”. I said,
“No, I drink coffee, (I checked that on the questionnaire and no, I didn’t drink
coffee once I found out I was pregnant).
I also said, “ I am a Christian and love Jesus and try and practice what
he did.” Then the doctor said there are three choices in a miscarriage:
1) Let
it go naturally, which I had for over a month and was cramping but no blood
2)
Take pills vaginally, which I had to have him repeat that as I was very
confused
3) Have
a D&C (Dilation and curettage), which is surgical, and he would have to put me under.
There were risks in the D & C of scarring and not being
able to have children as a side effect (very minimal, but still…) and chance of
infection. Plus, it was over $4,000
after insurance. I know I am doing the
Dave Ramsey plan and can be cheap, but this was my body and I wanted it done
right. But $4,000 seriously?! After emotionally going through this and now
have to pay about the same price as having a child, this was hard. I was praying about the decision still of
what to do. Choice one was out, as it
was taking too long for it to naturally happen.
I waited three days and the doctor called back, left a message and I
still wasn’t sure. Everyone I shared
this with had opinions and on the internet as well.
I called and spoke with one of the nurses when I was ready
to let the doctor know. I told her I
wanted the pills. The pills, I forgot to
tell you were very painful. That the D
&C was very easy, you go in and under and after surgery you leave and it’s
all gone. The pills were painful and
bloody and took time. They were also
$4.70 compared to $4,000 plus pads and pain medication. The day before I was going to take the pills,
I started to bleed. Now, I should have
cried, but I was joyful. It started to
happen on its own. Once I knew my baby
was dead, I wanted it out so bad. I had
been waiting and waiting for this to come and thought maybe I will cry and
actually go through a mourning process as people thought it was odd how
emotionally well I was taking this. I
was shocked too. But when my dad had a
quadruple bypass surgery, I didn’t cry, I went into shock a little and didn’t
want anyone to comfort me. Poor Sean was
dating me at the time and didn’t know what to do. Anyway, I called the same nurse to see if I
should take the pills as I was naturally miscarrying. She said to wait 48 hours and then take them
if the bleeding doesn’t get worse. Well,
I talked with my mom and the bleeding was very subtle and decided to take it
the next day. I waited at least 36 hours
and nothing really happened.
When I picked up the pills from the pharmacy, I had the lady
explain how to take them (being vaginally and all) and it was really
awkward. Why, couldn’t this be easier?
I finally took them and within an hour the cramping started. I had borrowed my mom’s heating pad and that
made it a little more bearable, but couldn’t take the pain away. The pain medication (hydrocodone) even when
chopped in half, made me vomit and I couldn’t hold any food down and it didn’t
help with the pain. After the worst day
of my life with extreme pain and bleeding, I got different medication that
allowed me to actually eat without vomiting.
You never want to experience the pain I felt. I have a high pain tolerance but that was
terrible. No matter what position you
lay in or scrunch into, the pain is constant throbbing cramps and bad
cramps. The next day was a lot
better. It was like 24 terrible hours
and then peace. The cramps went away for
a little bit and were not as bad. I took
the half pills and ate a little and it got better. I even went in public with two pads on. I had a couple stable days and then I got
more cramps and bleeding. I thought I
was almost done. But oh no, still experiencing
some cramping and bleeding. I even got
pad rash from wearing pads constantly. Who
even gets that? I had to laugh at some
point. I need to laugh at something
because this sucked. You might be
thinking well, why not wear tampons.
Well, tampons would not stop this blood flow, well, maybe for 10
minutes, and plus I could tell when I went to the bathroom how I was
doing. You see, when I got cramps, I
knew I would bleed or pass a blood clot.
So gross and not fun. So I spent
a lot of time on the toilet.
A little after I started to miscarry, Father’s Day happened
and that sucked. Sean was so excited to
share the news that he was going to be a dad.
It was the worst day possible for him at this moment in our life. We went to church and politely we both said,
‘Happy Father’s Day’ to some of the dads in our church and one said to Sean, “Oh,
I don’t have to say it back to you as you are not a dad.” Another said, “Well, maybe next year I can
say that to you.” They had no idea and
it just poured salt into Sean’s already hurt emotional wound. My dad was pretty great, but the overall day
sucked. He came over and we had family
celebrating him, it was fun to get our minds off of it for little periods of
time that day.
I was still cramping and wearing and changing pads constantly. Now it was late June. So it had almost been two months from finding
out and a week and a half of the process of miscarrying. I also hate the word miscarrying. It doesn’t give this process or the act of
losing a baby justice. I am losing my
child. I called the doctor and he said
this was not normal. From 1-10, 1 being
normal and 10 not normal I was very close to 10. He said he would normally do a D & C but
there would probably be nothing left to remove and he even apologized for the
discomfort. I went until September
bleeding all through summer. In August
my bleeding started to really go down to the point where I could wear a tampon,
which was nice since it was still summer.
Finally, in September my bleeding completely stopped. It felt like a miracle and I was so
relieved. I had an appointment with my
doctor and she said that once I have two normal periods we could start trying
again. My body had to get back to its
normalcy.
I was scared to move on. We got to start “trying” again after I had two
normal periods. I was scared of losing
another baby. What if something is wrong
with me? What if we are not supposed to
have children. We know we are called by
God to adopt and are excited, but we also feel called to have our own (maybe we
only think this and it is not a calling).
I remember thinking, “I wish I could know what our family is going to
look like. I just know right now, we have
our little family of Sean, Rudy and me.
And that is okay." We are
slowly finding the joy in our lives again.
We know this will pass and we will look around one day (hopefully) in
the future and see all the crazy kids that are ours and think back to this
storm in our life and know that it did indeed pass. Until then, we will choose joy and keep
choosing it.
----I wrote that in the spring/summer of 2014 and can tell you that through time, comes healing. I found mine through my relationship with God, having a great support system through Sean, Rudy, family, my church and close friends. I spent a lot of time reflecting and mostly keeping it to myself. Through time, I felt whole again. We are blessed to have a 21 month old boy running around our home playing with Rudy. I am a "mama" and I was a mom the day I found out I was pregnant the first time. Everyone copes with loss in different ways and I hope if you are reading this you can be there for someone who has or is losing a child or if you have lost a child, I am very sorry this happened to you. Don't give up hope, there is a plan for you, you just might not know it yet.
Thanks for listening.
Via: google
via: Google
Image via: Google
Inspiration I found from others who have lost their babies:
Liz Marie has lost 7 babies and has posted a lot about her
story on her blog about infertility and loss.
I served at a Young Life camp with Lindsay
one summer and read her blog about her miscarriage story. It is comforting to see her become stronger
through it and be a happy mom to two awesome boys after this loss.
This was another blog by a woman who is strong and
vulnerable and shared her story. She has
since had a child and is encouraging.
This is a story on a blog about how a couple struggled with
fertility for four years and were called to adoption. It has 15 posts about their experiences on
getting to the point of adoption.
Here is a book recommended by a woman that went through
miscarriage.