An Adult Tomboy

Today, I did not work (again) and thought, well I better start writing in my Captivating journal and being real with myself. As I was answering the questions in the book I was in deep reflection and thought about being real in this blog and even vulnerable about how I feel as a woman, or lack of. So here it goes!

Growing up I always had best friends just like me. They were not girly, we would always play sports outside of our practices for fun, wear sweatpants and pony tails. In high school, playing sports every home game at school we had to dress up (not wearing jeans). All of my friends would love seeing me in a dress all pretty. I remember my best friend Ashley and I in the spring (we did not play a spring sport) decided to put our hair in rags (we curled it like curlers but used old t-shirts to tie them over night) and wear a dress. Everyone commented to us that day and asked why we were so dressed up. I eventually, gave up and said I had to do laundry. I mean people wanted to know why I was wearing a skirt? I like the attention, but towards the end, ended up hating it. I even had a mushroom cut growing up and loved it. How you ask? Well, my dad took me to get my hair cut (and my mom after said she would take me from now on). I wore my usual tomboy clothes, boys shorts and a mickey mouse tie dye shirt. The woman cutting my hair was very sweet, but ended up cutting it really short and saving underneath the mushroom cut like a boy. My dad had no idea and just sat in the waiting room the whole time. I was quiet to strangers back then and just sat there and did not talk. When my mom came to pay the woman, the hairdresser said: ‘he was so patient, etc’ and my mom looked at me and knew that the woman thought I was a little boy. My mom from that day forward, made me wear a dress every time I got my haircut. I really wish I had the picture with me to scan so you guys could see. It still makes me laugh!

I have never had very feminine friends as best friends. I always wanted or still want to be in a women’s bible study with feminine women, but they terrify me. I have nothing in common with them. I have no great recipes that I love to cook. I cannot sew or create things. The only feminine feature I have is to scrapbook. I don’t even know how to curl my hair. Pretty sad at 24. I love to have deep conversations with women at coffee shops, but I always like the women to be kinda like me. Sports background, like to mow the lawn, etc. Its not like I do not like feminine women, I do and have some as good friends, but still they are different.

I remember one vulnerable time as a woman in college. I had been asked to go on a fraternity cruise not knowing any of the women attending as dates. The cruise was pretty much a ferry ride around a lake. It was nice but I remember it being very awkward as a woman. I did not have my best friends there who were like me, and did not spend very much time getting ready. I did not know my date very well either. I remember thinking, ‘what will I wear? What are the other girls going to wear? Is it that formal, do I need to get my hair done?’ I put in some effort, but decided on a simple black dress and just straightening my hair, because I could not wear a ponytail and did not know how to curl my hair. I also was very self-conscious because I still had my braces on my teeth and hated getting my picture taken. When we met up with some of our group, I cringed seeing all of the girls in very formal dresses and their hair either in curls or done up for the big event. I already felt like an outcast and even worse, acted the part now in dress. I felt even younger and more self-conscious with my braces. The women were very nice to be, being new, but I knew I was out of the place the whole time.

Sean, my husband was my best friend before we starting liking each other and dating and eventually being married. I highly encourage anyone to be best friends or get to know the one they ‘like’ before dating them. I loved hanging out with Sean as friends because there was not drama and it was easy. Today, I still feel like the tomboy of my past, but just as a grown up tomboy. Is that okay? I love having my signature hairstyle being in a ponytail. I would love to learn how to curl my hair and do my makeup more properly. I know I will transform into a feminine woman, I just think it will take time and effort from my part.

So, to the women who can curl their hair or love to wear dresses, I think that is great and would love to go down that path. And to the women like me who love sweatpants and being real, keep it up and love who you are as God created you to be. Just remember, it is okay to dress up and feel pretty as a woman, not always being a tomboy ☺. I think the more I mature and grow closer to God, and learning that he created me specifically to be a woman, the more I will find out what it means to be feminine. When I become a mother (one day, not now) I will see it at a deeper level. I can already feel it when Rudy seeks me for comfort and not Sean. I love it, and I think I like this woman aspect more and more.