Monday, May 1, 2017

The Loss of Our First Child, an Open Story of Miscarriage

The Loss of our first child, an open story of miscarriage


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Hi friends, it has been awhile.  You might be thinking you have a child who is almost two and I think you are expecting again…even though I haven’t updated this blog very well.  Sean and I lost our first child through miscarriage in the spring of 2014.  Since then we have had a son, named Sawyer in August 2015 and our expecting again in September 2017.  To be an encouragement, it can and hopefully, will get better for you.

 Thank you for journeying with me through this (reading that is) and for your patience and non-judgment.  I want to give a shout out to all the BOLD, women who shared their hearts, dreams, lives and for being real about losing a child.  If it weren’t for them, I would not be writing or having the encouragement to get through this.  At the bottom of this post, I have links to other blogs from women who encouraged me through this journey of losing our child.  It was hard and to be honest, I didn’t want to talk with people about it at all.  I only wanted to hear or read about others and how they coped or got through it.

Here I go, deep breath.  Where to begin.  Well, I guess at the beginning.  It was around Easter 2014 and Sean and I were at Long Beach, WA with family celebrating what Jesus did on the cross for us and being joyful.  I won’t get into details about how long, but Sean and I have wanted a baby for awhile and had been trying.  I laugh because I would tell a select few that we didn’t know what we were really doing, then say, well of course we knew what we were doing meaning (having sex lol) but the exact science of getting pregnant was way too complicated for me so we were just trying the regular way, if that is a thing.  No extra calculations, thermometers, ovulation kits, they were all too crazy for me at that point.  Anyway, back on track, I was supposed to get my period and was a few days late.  I did not want to get my hopes up so we didn’t tell anyone and I didn’t tell Sean until the way home from the beach.  I was almost out of tampons and didn’t want to buy more if we didn’t need them but didn’t want to jinx it either (like that is a real thing).  Anyway, we decided to wait until that following Monday morning to take a pee pregnancy test (dollar store brand) because somehow your pee is better tested in the morning.  Sure enough I did it twice and it worked.  I even went to the store bought a more expensive one ($5.00 one) and did it again that afternoon.  We decided to wait to tell anyone until I did the test again on Friday morning. 

We were officially pregnant and so excited.  I could not believe I was pregnant after seeing some friends go through this happy time in their lives and see the wonderful children they had.  I wanted to feel that joy.  Now, was my time, our time.  We prayed, thanked God and of course I made a secret Babies board on Pinterest, which was the most logical thing to do next right?  I had made a secret Baby Announcement board a few months back and had all kinds of fun ways to announce a pregnancy when the time was right.  It mostly included baby toms and dogs.  Of course we were going to use Rudy in the announcement.  A couple months back, I decided not to go into that board for a while as it was not good for my heart to dream and be sad about not being pregnant (this was before we found out we were pregnant in April).  Now, I could finally show Sean and get more excited. 

I told my best friend and she was even more excited than I was.  We told our life group (Bible Study) at church. I was just shocked, it was all happening and we were so happy.  We even had a clever way of sharing the news to my parents.  I was cautious of who to share it with, as you typically should wait three months or 10-12 weeks.  It was finally okay to look through the tiny baby clothes at Target as it was really happening!  Mother’s Day was really fun too as not many people knew but I could secretly share in the joy of being a mother on this special day.  Sean bought me flowers, my favorite chocolate and a card signed by him and Rudy.  I mean I am still Rudy’s mom.  Sean and my family were so sweet on Mother’s Day, we even shared with my grandma, who was hilarious.  We got a cute video of her telling her entire church, and shhh Grandma it is too soon to tell people and her saying to her friends, “Oh, I will call you later and tell you everything.”  Oh Grandma.  Thankfully, she is not on Facebook.  We told Sean’s sister, mom, grandma, aunt and dad on Mother’s Day.  Then later that week, I told a couple close high school friends.  It was fun hearing the joy in their reactions. 

I had my 8-week ultrasound on a Monday, the first one and was a little hesitant until I could hear the heartbeat.  Call me negative, but my mom had two miscarriages before my sister and I were born, Sean’s mom had one and my only sister had two.  So I was prepared just in case.  We could not hear a heartbeat, but the ultrasound tech said it was too early.  We had the picture printed and I even framed it at home.  I was so excited.  PS. the 8 week ultrasound sucks because they have to go in vaginally, so up your vagina.  Anything that is not supposed to go up there is not fun.  SUPER AWKWARD.  Or was it just me.  Sean was with me so that definitely made it better.

Then, the next three days were terrible.  Sean had to work evenings and had to train and meet with the night crew so instead of getting up and going to work at 4 am (that was his other choice for the next couple days) he decided to stay late and I agreed.  But terrible timing that was.  Tuesday, my doctor personally called me (the day after the 8 ½ week ultrasound) and left a message for me to call her right back.  She never does that.  I called her and she asked how the ultrasound appointment went.  Second warning sign, first was her actually calling me.  I was thinking, ‘what is wrong with my baby’.  I told her no, and asked why.  She said that the ultrasound showed the baby only being six and a half weeks and not eight and a half and that there could be two reasons why: 1) they were wrong in their calculations and that can be normal and it is only six and a half weeks or 2) the baby stopped growing at six and a half weeks and to be prepared for that.  She said it was too early to get another ultrasound to check (thank God as I didn’t want to have that robot machine up my vagina again so soon, it had only been a day. 

I am not being insensitive to the reality that this sucked and I was crying.  I am trying to find the humor in the little things.  This is the way I am getting through this. I lost a baby, a child, and I have gone through grief.  I wished I could be sad longer, but this was how I was dealing with this.

So the alternative to see how pregnant I was and if I was six and a half weeks was to get my blood taken at the hospital.  I called Sean crying and he said he wanted to come home and go with me.  I told him no, that it was only a blood draw and that he should stay at work.  Also, if he took time off, he has very little time and his sick and vacation are the same and I didn’t want him to lose this time if it could be used for something better.  Also, he was saving his time for when we had the baby.  Sigh.  So I pulled myself together and drove to get my blood tested.  I felt terrible as I was getting it drawn because the lady was so nice and I didn’t want to talk.  She probably thought I was rude, but I was going to cry at any minute and decided not to talk.  Afterward, I left so fast and put my sunglasses on inside the building so no one could see me cry.  I drove home and that was that. 

I use an online medical chart that my doctor can email me or send me a message when she gets my results.  I told her I would prefer that than talking on the phone and it was way faster.  She emailed me that evening at 11:00 pm and said the levels were normal for six and a half weeks and that was good.  I was happy, but tried not to get my hopes up.  The next blood draw (2 days later) was the most important because my pregnancy hormone levels should double that is what they were testing in the first place.  So I waited two days.  I tried to keep myself busy with work, friends, family, Sean and Rudy.  Then I went in on Thursday.  I did the blood test and was better.  I pulled myself together and wasn’t crying.  Not many people knew about the situation and if they did they were so positive and praying it was awesome.  I did the blood, but when I checked in at the hospital they had no record from the doctor requesting my blood to be tested and could not send it to my doctor and had to wait until morning to fax them to get approval. 

Thankfully, a veteran blood taker (no idea what their title or job is called) said, “Let’s take her blood and send it with approval the next day.”  I was so thankful for her because if I had to go home I would have flipped.  I went in and had a different lady take my blood.  I didn’t talk much but was better than the last time.  I went home and waited.  This part sucked because this was the Thursday before Memorial Day weekend and my doctor had taken vacation.  I had to call the Doctor’s Office and they had to notify the on call doctor to send a request to get the blood.  Then nothing on Friday or Saturday.  I was a nervous wreck and at the same time trying to give my baby over to God knowing He had a perfect plan for our family and trusted in that.
I called again Saturday morning and then afternoon to see what the levels were.  The doctor called me back.  The pregnancy hormone levels on Tuesday were 91,000 and the levels on Thursday were 83,000 so they went down.  Once I heard the numbers from the doctor’s voice, I knew it.  It sank in; my baby isn’t doing well and is probably dead.  I have no baby now.  

All kinds of thoughts were going in my head, baby was going to be due around Christmas, I was going to get fat, a good, cute fat where people want to touch you.  Baby was going to get showered with Christmas gifts.  I was going to be a mom, something I wanted for a while now.  But all that was crushed.  I pulled it together to listen more and the doctor was preparing me for a miscarriage.  I remember him, a guy doctor saying, “its like your period, but a little worse, so not so bad.”  And I told him, “Not so bad, you have never had one of my periods.”  He was sensitive but trying to help.  He asked if I would rather get my blood taken again today or wait until Monday.  I told him, I would rather wait until Monday to really make sure and he said that was a good idea. 

Sean was out of town at this point for a bachelor party for a guy in our church getting married.  He left on Friday, and I heard the news of the levels going down on Saturday.  I didn’t want to call him and I didn’t want to lie to him either.  It was so hard.  Instead of balling, the reality just set in and I actually tried to find joy.  To praise God even when life sucks.  I was pregnant and now the possibly of having a child was slipping away.  I wasn’t mad at God, I never was.  The best medicine for me at this point was to be with Rudy.  That afternoon I was watching five amazing kids from church that are full of laughter and that was the best medicine for me.  I didn’t want to be around family or friends and kids just make everything better.  I just hung with them and played games all afternoon.  But once their mom came back, a great friend, I just had to tell her and I cried.  This was the only time I cried hard and she listened, locked her kiddos out of her room (thinking back, it was really cute how they wanted in) and consulted me, gave me hope, and prayed for Sean and I.  It was really sweet and exactly what I needed at that very moment. 

Oh, ya, I forgot to tell you that Sean called on my way over to watching those kids.  I tried to have hope, but not lead him on and told him the doctor called and the levels went down but we do not know for sure until Monday (in my heart I already knew).  He took it really hard and thankfully, there were a couple great guys that prayed and were there for him during that weekend.  He didn’t have a ride home and I told him to stay there  (he could have easily borrowed a car) and that being with some Godly men supporting him and having his mind off of it for a little while would be good to be away.  Plus, I deal with grief really weird and just wanted to be alone with Rudy.  And boy, did Rudy help.  He cuddled with me, followed me everywhere.  Even when I showered, he laid by the mat and waited for me.  He might have fallen asleep there but it was what I needed.  It was like Rudy knew.  He was extra aware of me and did everything in the way I needed.  Pugs are just the best. 

Sean came home on Monday and we went in for the final blood draw.  I got the results back the next day (Tuesday) and the levels had actually gone up.  So they were 91,000 a week ago, 83,000 that Thursday, and now 88,000.  What the heck?!  The doctor said not to get my hopes up as this was not normal and doesn’t happen very often.  It was rare.  In my head, I was like not normal, perfect.  This would happen to me.  I prepared for the miscarriage and asked what would naturally happen as the doctor said that usually this isn’t good for a baby’s health for the levels to do this.  That something must be wrong.  Something is wrong with my baby.  My personal doctor was coming back on Wednesday and I would follow up with her.  She called me that day and asked how I was doing and was very sympathetic.  She is awesome.  We talked about the most likely scenario of a miscarriage and I was already thinking that. 

It wasn’t that I didn’t have hope or faith as I do.  I prayed a lot for this baby and for God to perform a miracle to save my baby.  But I had to prepare for the worst so emotionally I didn’t get worse.  Maybe that is selfish, but that is how I dealt with it.  The doctor said for me to schedule another ultrasound and to see if anything had changed (meaning if the baby had gotten smaller).  So I went to my ultrasound and told Sean not to come.  I didn’t need him to be there to experience the sight of seeing our baby grow smaller.  I also didn’t want him to take any time off of work.  I went in and had to do it vaginally again.  The tech couldn’t legally tell me anything, even though I told her about our situation and that I needed to know and couldn’t wait to see if my baby was okay or was worse.  Once she took all the pictures that moms and dads get excited about at their second visit, I could go.  There was no printing of the picture of my baby this time.

My online doctor chart was updated and I saw that the baby was smaller and that it was no longer going to grow.  I had lost my baby.  We waited a week to see what would happen.  Then my doctor called and said I should see a specialist to talk more about what to do with a miscarriage.  She said that I should do one final blood draw before scheduling the visit and I agreed.  This gave me closure and didn’t feel like I was aborting my child if there was something there.  I went in for my final blood draw and walked out.  The doctor said that indeed I was going to miscarry.  Then I called and scheduled an appointment with a specialist to discuss my options in getting rid of my baby.  This sucked. 

My appointment went pretty fast.  The doctor was male and super sweet.  He asked me all kinds of questions based on the answers of my questionnaire I filled out when I checked in for my appointment.  I even laughed, when he said, “So you don’t drink or smoke…Can I ask you something?”  I said, “Sure…”  He said, “Are you LDS (Church of Latter Day Saints).  I said, “Mormon?” he said, “Yes”.  I said, “No, I drink coffee, (I checked that on the questionnaire and no, I didn’t drink coffee once I found out I was pregnant).  I also said, “ I am a Christian and love Jesus and try and practice what he did.” Then the doctor said there are three choices in a miscarriage:

     1) Let it go naturally, which I had for over a month and was cramping but no blood
          2) Take pills vaginally, which I had to have him repeat that as I was very confused
     3)  Have a D&C (Dilation and curettage), which is surgical, and he would have to put  me under.

There were risks in the D & C of scarring and not being able to have children as a side effect (very minimal, but still…) and chance of infection.  Plus, it was over $4,000 after insurance.  I know I am doing the Dave Ramsey plan and can be cheap, but this was my body and I wanted it done right.  But $4,000 seriously?!  After emotionally going through this and now have to pay about the same price as having a child, this was hard.  I was praying about the decision still of what to do.  Choice one was out, as it was taking too long for it to naturally happen.  I waited three days and the doctor called back, left a message and I still wasn’t sure.  Everyone I shared this with had opinions and on the internet as well. 

I called and spoke with one of the nurses when I was ready to let the doctor know.  I told her I wanted the pills.  The pills, I forgot to tell you were very painful.  That the D &C was very easy, you go in and under and after surgery you leave and it’s all gone.  The pills were painful and bloody and took time.  They were also $4.70 compared to $4,000 plus pads and pain medication.  The day before I was going to take the pills, I started to bleed.  Now, I should have cried, but I was joyful.  It started to happen on its own.  Once I knew my baby was dead, I wanted it out so bad.  I had been waiting and waiting for this to come and thought maybe I will cry and actually go through a mourning process as people thought it was odd how emotionally well I was taking this.  I was shocked too.  But when my dad had a quadruple bypass surgery, I didn’t cry, I went into shock a little and didn’t want anyone to comfort me.  Poor Sean was dating me at the time and didn’t know what to do.  Anyway, I called the same nurse to see if I should take the pills as I was naturally miscarrying.  She said to wait 48 hours and then take them if the bleeding doesn’t get worse.  Well, I talked with my mom and the bleeding was very subtle and decided to take it the next day.  I waited at least 36 hours and nothing really happened. 

When I picked up the pills from the pharmacy, I had the lady explain how to take them (being vaginally and all) and it was really awkward.  Why, couldn’t this be easier? 
I finally took them and within an hour the cramping started.  I had borrowed my mom’s heating pad and that made it a little more bearable, but couldn’t take the pain away.  The pain medication (hydrocodone) even when chopped in half, made me vomit and I couldn’t hold any food down and it didn’t help with the pain.  After the worst day of my life with extreme pain and bleeding, I got different medication that allowed me to actually eat without vomiting. 

You never want to experience the pain I felt.  I have a high pain tolerance but that was terrible.  No matter what position you lay in or scrunch into, the pain is constant throbbing cramps and bad cramps.  The next day was a lot better.  It was like 24 terrible hours and then peace.  The cramps went away for a little bit and were not as bad.  I took the half pills and ate a little and it got better.  I even went in public with two pads on.  I had a couple stable days and then I got more cramps and bleeding.  I thought I was almost done.  But oh no, still experiencing some cramping and bleeding.  I even got pad rash from wearing pads constantly.  Who even gets that?  I had to laugh at some point.  I need to laugh at something because this sucked.  You might be thinking well, why not wear tampons.  Well, tampons would not stop this blood flow, well, maybe for 10 minutes, and plus I could tell when I went to the bathroom how I was doing.  You see, when I got cramps, I knew I would bleed or pass a blood clot.  So gross and not fun.  So I spent a lot of time on the toilet. 

A little after I started to miscarry, Father’s Day happened and that sucked.  Sean was so excited to share the news that he was going to be a dad.  It was the worst day possible for him at this moment in our life.  We went to church and politely we both said, ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to some of the dads in our church and one said to Sean, “Oh, I don’t have to say it back to you as you are not a dad.”  Another said, “Well, maybe next year I can say that to you.”  They had no idea and it just poured salt into Sean’s already hurt emotional wound.  My dad was pretty great, but the overall day sucked.  He came over and we had family celebrating him, it was fun to get our minds off of it for little periods of time that day. 

I was still cramping and wearing and changing pads constantly.  Now it was late June.  So it had almost been two months from finding out and a week and a half of the process of miscarrying.  I also hate the word miscarrying.  It doesn’t give this process or the act of losing a baby justice.  I am losing my child.  I called the doctor and he said this was not normal.  From 1-10, 1 being normal and 10 not normal I was very close to 10.  He said he would normally do a D & C but there would probably be nothing left to remove and he even apologized for the discomfort.  I went until September bleeding all through summer.  In August my bleeding started to really go down to the point where I could wear a tampon, which was nice since it was still summer.  Finally, in September my bleeding completely stopped.  It felt like a miracle and I was so relieved.  I had an appointment with my doctor and she said that once I have two normal periods we could start trying again.  My body had to get back to its normalcy. 

I was scared to move on.  We got to start “trying” again after I had two normal periods.  I was scared of losing another baby.  What if something is wrong with me?  What if we are not supposed to have children.  We know we are called by God to adopt and are excited, but we also feel called to have our own (maybe we only think this and it is not a calling).  I remember thinking, “I wish I could know what our family is going to look like.  I just know right now, we have our little family of Sean, Rudy and me.  And that is okay."  We are slowly finding the joy in our lives again.  We know this will pass and we will look around one day (hopefully) in the future and see all the crazy kids that are ours and think back to this storm in our life and know that it did indeed pass.  Until then, we will choose joy and keep choosing it.

----I wrote that in the spring/summer of 2014 and can tell you that through time, comes healing.  I found mine through my relationship with God, having a great support system through Sean, Rudy, family, my church and close friends.  I spent a lot of time reflecting and mostly keeping it to myself.  Through time, I felt whole again.  We are blessed to have a 21 month old boy running around our home playing with Rudy.  I am a "mama" and I was a mom the day I found out I was pregnant the first time.  Everyone copes with loss in different ways and I hope if you are reading this you can be there for someone who has or is losing a child or if you have lost a child, I am very sorry this happened to you.  Don't give up hope, there is a plan for you, you just might not know it yet. 

Thanks for listening.
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Inspiration I found from others who have lost their babies:

Liz Marie has lost 7 babies and has posted a lot about her story on her blog about infertility and loss.


I served at a Young Life camp with Lindsay one summer and read her blog about her miscarriage story.  It is comforting to see her become stronger through it and be a happy mom to two awesome boys after this loss.

This was another blog by a woman who is strong and vulnerable and shared her story.  She has since had a child and is encouraging. 

This is a story on a blog about how a couple struggled with fertility for four years and were called to adoption.  It has 15 posts about their experiences on getting to the point of adoption.

Here is a book recommended by a woman that went through miscarriage.


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